My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
