Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Houston, we have a blender
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
