I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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