his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
