the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
