i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
