so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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