His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
