The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
