she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
