You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
