Well apparently he's into motor boating.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
