I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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