Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
