My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
