after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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