my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
