Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize