you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
