i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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