Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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