You smell like stripper and shame
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
