You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
