Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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