this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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