Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
