her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
