Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
