I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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