chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
