Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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