I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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