Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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