Little spoons don't ask big questions
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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