Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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