my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
