he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
