It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I still have a little drunk in my system
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
