I need help removing her.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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