She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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