iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize