im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
