Non-Jews are for practice
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
