dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
