Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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