you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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