I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
