I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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