We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
