tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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