I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
