Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I can't put those talents on a resume
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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