people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
