it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
