Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
