I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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