I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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