i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
